TREEHOUSE WHO'S WHO (MARCUS-STYLE)
Sub-atomic Katt (92)
wandered unexpectedly into a particle accelerator while still
a small fluffy kitten and became radioactive. As a result
she now glistens in the dark, has a half-life of 20,000 years
and drinks and sleeps a lot. Sub-atomic Katt lives with a
variety of other atomically altered life forms in a hostel
run by Paisley Social Services, where she cooks and cleans,
and looks out of the window. Independently wealthy from match-selling
and gin-running, she is the author of two books, 'Making Sense
of Football' (1988) and 'How to Meet a Strange Man' (2002),
and several humourous limericks on lavatory walls.
is cube-shaped and lives in Wigan. Now 31, Walter spent much
of his twenties panning the River Irwell for copper and found
enough to give his wife Olive a rust-red coating which makes
her highly visible - and very rarely misplaced - in snowy
weather. Walter works in tele-sales and has annoyed the same
householder every night for eleven years. Pretending to still
be nine he plays third piccolo in the Wigan Little Theatre's
Little Orchestra, who recently returned from a sell-out tour
of 'Everything For A Pound' shops in Norfolk. Walter has two
children, Sid and Nancy, and a stairlift.
is brightly coloured and gay. Not gay in a sexual sense, just
happy and jolly. He has lived in Pamplona for most of his
44 years and each August he is heard to say to his long-term
companion, Winifred, "Oh no, not those bloody bulls again.
I can't get my Mitsubishi Land Cruiser to the end of the road."
Dangermouse plays Santa in a downtown Pamplona department
store from September to March, though after Christmas there
is very little demand for his bushy white beard and his sackful
of goodies. When not playing Santa, or berating bulls, he
eats crisps and rolls around.
is the founder, driving force and full-time administrator
of a tangled clump of silly string which hangs from a lamp
post in Whitley Bay. Mickey, 24, was almost wholly responsible
for the silly string being granted listed status in 1985 and
receiving a sizeable grant from the European Union Silly String
Fund ten years later, though he modestly acknowledges the
unstinting support of Luke Skywalker. When not with his beloved
silly string, Mickey likes to sing sea shanties to old folk
and steal toasted sandwich makers from Boots. He owns a race
horse which he keeps in a very big carrier bag.
is honorary captain of (and only player in) the Treehouse
Tamigotchi-rearing team, in which role he has raised and kept
healthy ten thousand of the endearing electronic creatures.
This is not unexpected however. Born in 1976 and abandoned
as a mewling infant in a cardboard box on the mean streets
of Olympic-ravaged Montreal, Lightersideguy fought his way
up to wealth and status, becoming Parks Commisioner in 1999
and then, astonishingly, the city's youngest and only non-French
speaking Mayor in 2001. He lives alone, with crayons and one
felt tipped pen.
is a man of many faces, though mainly his own. The result
of a back alley knee-trembler between a multi-millionaire
Bolivian tin magnate and a beautiful continuity announcer
on Radio La Paz, Fink nevertheless eschewed the trappings
of wealth and fame to swim the Pacific Ocean dressed as Neville
Chamberlain. Now 37, Fink is nearing the coast of Japan where
a welcoming party awaits, consisting of Bernard Manning and
Helmut Kohl, though fears that they plan to eat Fink rather
than celebrate his momentous achievement have recently surfaced
in the Tokyo press. Fink likes to eat krill and shouts a lot.
is the Treehouse's most prolific contributor, having posted
over 79,000 witty one-liners. Born in 1925 into a troupe of
travelling tax attorneys in the Texas panhandle, andrew soon
longed for the bright lights and contraflows of the M62. He
broke free of his stultifying past in 1979, sailed to Oldham
and set up a stall selling sugar in the town's much vaunted
salt market. Business was poor so he introduced a range of
novelty underwear and the rest - as they say - is his story.
Now the owner of 25 sex shops in the greater Oldham area,
andrew is vice-chairman of the Chamber of Commerce and a keen
was named after the popular West African tree, the Silver
Birch. Raised by Amish missionaries, Monkey had never seen
an electric labour-saving device until 1994 when he found
a buzzing conical implement under his wife's bed and whisked
up a delicious egg and bacon quiche with it. So began his
love affair with food, and he is now Head Chef at the "Kluckin'
Hell Kentucky-like Chicken Kebab Kabin" in Poplar High
Street. When not cooking, Monkey, 29, can be found beside
the M25 holding up a hand-made sign saying 'You're Not Wanted
Here. Go home!' No-one knows why.
is known throughout his native Bolsover as 'The thinking man's
pugilist'. Born Edgar Wallace some forty-seven summers ago,
Karl had to change his name to get an Equity card. Then he
rolled it into a short cardboard tube and blew dried peas
at local estate agents. Arrested and then adopted by a kindly
village bobby Karl began fighting at seventeen, alternating
rapier like blows to the head and body with philosophical
musings on the transubstantiation of the soul. Favourite for
Commonwealth Games gold at Edmonton, Karl instead grew bleak
and introspective and hid in a lorry.
is the shadowy, svengali-like figure behind alternative electro-folk
conspiracy theorists, 'The Dead Kennedys'. Known to his friends,
and indeed to everyone else, as Shaq, the 52-year old former
amateur jump jockey and Playboy centrefold, has come a long
way from the backstreets of East Tilbury. He now lives ostentatiously
in West Tilbury with his wife, Shanice, their twin daughters
from previous marriages, Eric and Ernie, and a budgerigar
called Bertrand, named affectionately after the eminent philosopher,
Plastic. Shaq is currently touring Westphalia with ZZ Top.
is constructed almost entirely of wood, with a small brass
handle that starts up an internal motor. When activated, Ivan
spins around slowly reciting passages from the Dead Sea Scrolls
to the tune of Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls just Wanna have Fun'.
Ivan is believed to have been built in 1965, when Banyan trees
were ten a penny. Now you only get six to a penny and the
bottom has completely fallen out of the market for wooden
recitors of religious tracts. However Ivan has found alternative
employment as the box on which Dame Vera Lynn rests her old
threepenny bits overnight.
is best known for driving every day to Leicester where he
owns and manages a thriving fishmongers with a very limited
inventory, called 'Just Cod-ding'. But this piscene endeavour
is merely a front, for every afternoon at 1.30 - sometimes
nearer to a quarter to two when the shop is particularly busy
- Barry swaps his blue striped smock for a white suit, spats
and a silver topped cane and promenades along the High Street
whistling and raising his hat to Big Issue sellers. By the
side of the Post
Office he drops onto all fours and scuttles around like a
demented, er, scuttling thing.
as his name suggests, is a bulbous root vegetable adding a
valuable and varied supply of carbohydrates to many western
dishes. No, I'm joking.
He's actually the love child of Robson and Jerome. Now 27,
Spud was for most
of his formative years tied to a sausage mincing machine by
japester, Chris Waddle. Aged 12, and a trifle confused, Spud
ran away to
join the British Legion where he now works part-time behind
the bar and
re-tips the snooker cues. He has a wife in Gateshead, a midwife
and a couple of bookends shaped like famous cartoon beards.
supplies much of the British film industry with clapperboards,
which he makes in a cupboard under the stairs. When not making
clapperboards in a cupboard under the stairs Bill, 62, has
many other strings to his bow. Well, it's not really a bow,
more a long stick with crepe paper tassles on the end and
at weekends Bill shakes his stick and jigs around on the freshly
mown grave of Acker Bilk. He has recently
admitted to friends however that jigging around on graves
is no longer as satisfying as it once was and he may retire
to a cul-de-sac in Littlehampton, or possibly Coventry.
is the biggest man in the world! Not the real world of course,
but a 1/16th scale miniature version of the world that Mike,
and his wife Jello, have built from plywood and macademia
nuts in their back garden. When his busy work schedule permits
(he sits on numerous boards, and runs a successful dating
agency for invisible people) 59-year old Mike struts around
his miniature world wreaking death and destruction on any
of the little residents who displease him. Sometimes Jello
brings out freshly squeezed lemonade and they laugh heartily
at the terrible make-believe power they wield.
believes himself to be the Treehouse's foremost pebble-dasher
of stationary or slow-moving cattle and, as no fewer than
thirteen other Treehousers are also pebble-dashers of stationary
or slow-moving cattle, that's no idle boast! Lush, 28, also
models slippers for the Grattan catalogue and eats discarded
takeaways in bus shelters. In 1999, Lush recieved the Queen's
Award for Gallantry when he flung himself across the bow of
a hovercraft on Clacton beach to rescue a copy of that morning's
Racing Post. Tellingly, he used the paper to select the winners
races at Hexham but forgot to put the bet on.
Sir David Attenborough
(no relation) is Deputy News Editor of top caravanning magazine
"Look, There's My House! It's Attached to my Car!"
So commited to his work is Sir David that, thanks to months
of back-breaking labour and a complicated series of levers
and pulleys, he has jacked up his two-up, five-down terraced
bungalow onto wheels and plans, when climatological and slope
conditions allow, to roll off down the street
screaming 'Yippeeee'. A man from the local noise abatement
carefully monitoring the situation though Sir David, 47, appears
is small, green and spiky - not unlike a horse chestnut. But
you can split open a horse chestnut to reveal a shiny brown
if you split open SimonT you would find only a miscellany
of soft tissue and
internal organs. Though not - as romantic idealists would
have us believe -
the bizarre and unexpected progeny of Mr T and Simon Templar
- the Saint, he
is however the offspring of notable parents. His father was
Clive of India
and his mother Diana Coupland, who played Sid James's long
suffering wife in
'Bless This House'. SimonT is 55 on Saturday, though he isn't
is the 19-year old wunderkind who is taking the world of stairlifts
and stairlift accessories by storm. He made his name when
barely out of short trousers - indeed he continues to wear
short trousers, made of brown leather - by inventing a spring
loaded mechanism that could launch Thora Hird into low level
orbit in the blink of an eye. Now, by combining a stairlift
and pre-existing catflap technology, Inspiral expects to be
transporting old folk down the stairs and out to the bus stop
in one easy movement by the year 2010. For relaxation, Inspiral
emulsions Greek people.
is the only member of the Treehouse to be wanted by police
in fourteen countries for imitating a clumsy squirrel. Attempting
to hide his winter nuts in the satchel of a Viennese motorcycle
courier, Arpster unwittingly set in motion a string of random,
non-chronological events that eventually resulted in the sacking
of Constantinople in 1265. On the run for eleven years, Arpster
is currently holed up in a cave in the Brecon Beacons where
he makes a living by sandpapering clogs and mending broken
sundials. His chilling cry, "You'll never git me alive,
copper" echoes day and night across the valley.