TRAINSPOTTING

I wasn't quite drunk, I was actually under the influence of L.S.D!

I can field this you see. I know a lot of people will shrink from this and I know 606 shrink from L.S.D. based calls, but what I want to say here is……….um, ah, no I can't say what I want to say here, but if ever I meet you Alan, I want to know every detail on this because it's not a thing about baldness or cowardice, but I think there may be something else out there, that's all I want to leave it.

So it's an L.S.D. based call…What do you always say Dan on things like this?…we neither condone or …..

We don't mean to morally censor, we just want entertainment.

So okay you…….and by the way kids this is a maniac, you're a self-confessed maniac aren't you?

That's right.

Okay an L.S.D. call, off you go.

Well I turn up at the game, a Sunday morning game..

Having had a tab..?

Yes, about three hours previously.

How long ago was this, when was this?

This was about four years ago.

Man alive!, no, no, we don't want to glorify the process, we don't want to hear about your works, I've seen Trainspotting and it comes out on the other side. Okay, having had the tab, go on.

So I turned up and said " Look I think I'm better off going on as sub", because I wasn't feeling great, I didn't really want to play and we're 3-1 down midway through the second half and one of the players got injured, so I had to come on.

"Bring on the crazy" goes up the shout.

"Bring on the yellow submarine".

And it was my first touch and I scored from about twenty yards!

Did you really? No, you think you scored from twenty yards…you in fact put the ball onto the next pitch, it hasn't come down yet. In your mind's eye you scored into a tiny little goal no bigger than a matchbox, straight in…did you really?

I'm not a great player really, so it shocked me even more, but it went straight, it flew in, it went right off to the far post where one man and his dog were standing and they started giving it the Full Monty.

And the dog grew to the size of a house and then shrunk down and said "You'll be sorry" ……..Did you have any psychedelic effects during the game?

Well I was sort of giggly, but that was that. My vision wasn't 100%, but it wasn't too bad.

Seriously, I hope no one thinks we're trivialising the dread subject of L.S.D..

No.

- Low Grumbling and Muttering - But what I want to say here is….now neither of us have......, but what do you actually see?

You don't see things coming out.

No! Friends of mine have told me you do see things coming out.

No, nothing scary is happening, I've got to be honest with you Dan, things just go a bit warm and sort of, um. expand.

But to score from twenty yards, I'm thinking Beckham…Beckham from forty yards.

Naim in the Cup Final. Now It's all becoming clear - riddles…these are not moves from the coaching manual are they?

Plainly from the psychedelic mind. Was this your first experience of an L.S.D game?

To be honest It wasn't, no.

I always like to think that any Pro. not only steers clear of the beer and the cigarettes, but basically would say well no, you cannot do a game while humming Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. You cannot do it. But you nicked one from twenty yards?

Yes.

I think this is a fluke like any fluke, but I would have thought you would have stood there for a while and melted into cream cheese and thought "I didn't really score from twenty yards, why are all these people gathering round me?" What do you know about me man?

Why have my new Adidas Predators turned into chicken's feet? Why? Why?

All I can tell you is and by way of a cautionary tale, because we don't want to leave this on a positive note…….It's a great call Alan. Thanks very much.

A very good friend of mine right, who in similar circumstances, tried to watch the football results roll in right, right? He became convinced he was wearing a huge sombrero right, that came over his head, neck and chin and sat there on his shoulders. Big sombrero, big sombrero . ……..

and he sat there in this big sombrero and as other people joined the front room to see the results come in, he thought how silly they were, that they couldn't see his sombrero. And that he told me, is why L.S.D. people giggle, because they think this is the funniest thing, no one knows that I'm wearing a great big sombrero.

But the sombrero had a hatch cut into it for his face, that he lifted up and pulled down so he could look out of the sombrero and observe the teleprinter.

Now none of us here are saying, now kids that's the way forward, there is every chance that it will kill you, however you have to say, do I want to go the sombrero route or I may want to kill myself.

Alan anything else you want to tell us?

No, that was it really.

Well it was a great call, seriously stay straight man, it's great when you're straight. They dropped him shortly after he cleaned up. He went to the Betty Ford Clinic, came home, never played again. Dan, anything you want to add to this call?

Um, No!

(Baker laughs) No, why? No that's all right, I'm just thinking……